I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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