I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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