people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Randomize
