we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Randomize
