We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
