Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
