dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Randomize
