My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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