i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Randomize
