Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
