I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
