I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
