The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
True strength comes from lack of pants
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
