just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
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