I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
