I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
