I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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