new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
it's like iHOP with fire
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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