wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
