remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics
That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder
Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
