i can't believe i had my finger in that
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Randomize
