So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
