if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
