My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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