Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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