Girls should come with a carfax report
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
