She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
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I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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