OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
The power of my boobs compel you
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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