I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
