dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
