I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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