Only a mothe r could love this liver
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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