My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I got her a Nickelback box set.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
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