No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
