I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
