please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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