so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
