i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
