You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
