I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
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