girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
