I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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