I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
