If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
