You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
