weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
