My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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