I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
