I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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