"it" just moved
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
