I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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