Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
