3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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