I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
