great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
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Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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