Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
