The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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