Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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