So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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